Amelie, 22

What’s the best reason to date a French person?
We’re sensual and open-minded. And we’re the best lovers in the world.

Are the French really better in bed?
The women are…

Is it wrong to date someone French just because her accent is a turn-on?
No. We roll our R’s. Just imagine what we can do in bed.

Last night, my girlfriend of five years suggested that we stop using condoms because it “feels better.” I agreed, but I’m totally freaked that she might get pregnant.  I’m also worried that she secretly wants to get pregnant. What should I do?
There are so many options for women, so figure those out. I’d also be bothered that she wasn’t being responsible for her sexual health.

I just found out that the girl I’ve been dating for the past six months is a stripper. She said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to upset me. It does! Am I an asshole if I break up with her?
Clearly. Why don’t you make an effort to learn more about what she does? If it bothers you that much, maybe you should have been upfront about your insecurities right away.

After dating this girl for over a year, I finally met her parents. Her mother is a raging alcoholic and about a hundred pounds overweight. They say girls grow up to be their mothers. Should I be worried?
That’s a little ridiculous. If she maintains a healthy lifestyle, then I don’t really see what the issue is. The person you’re dating is obviously the person she is. She’s not going to change overnight.

I’m French. My girlfriend is American. Eventually, I want to move back to my home country, but she has no interest in even visiting. Should I break things off now?
Kind of, yes. Break up with her ass.

My boyfriend bought me a Hitachi vibrator to spice up our lovemaking — it gives me the most intense orgasms of my life. But now I can’t come when I have sex with him. How can I keep the amazing orgasms without making him feel inadequate?
Wean yourself off it. Use lower and lower settings. Or, keep it. It won’t talk back to you, and it’s tucked away and only comes out when you need it. You won’t come home to a messy house or to it drunk and watching football. And you have an orgasm every time. Hitachi really is the best boyfriend.

Nick, 29

What’s the best reason to date a French person?
Me.

Why do they call it a “French Kiss”?
The French kiss was first known as maraichinage, a term to describe the prolonged, deep, tongue kiss practiced by the Maraichins, inhabitants of the French region of Brittany.

I have a crush on this guy who doesn’t speak English. How do I tell him he rocks my socks?
“Tu rock mes chaussettes.”

Is it wrong to date someone French just because her/his accent is a turn on?
Only if he’s a psychopath.

Last night, my girlfriend of five years suggested that we stop using condoms because it “feels better.” I agreed, but I’m totally freaked that she might get pregnant.  I’m also worried that she secretly wants to get pregnant. What should I do?
There’s nothing fun about living in fear.  Try Trojan Ultra Thin or Kimono Micro Thin condoms.

I think beards are sexy. But every time I kiss a lumberjack guy, it irritates the skin on my face. Is there a way to avoid this?
You can’t have your baguette and eat it too.

I’m French. My girlfriend is American. Eventually, I want to move back to my home country but she has no interest in even visiting. Should I break things off now?
Try to entice her with some Shakespeare: “Kate, when France is mine and I am yours, then yours is France and you are mine.”

My boyfriend bought me a Hitachi vibrator to spice up our lovemaking — it gives me the most intense orgasms of my life. But now I can’t come when I have sex with him. How can I keep the amazing orgasms without making him feel inadequate?
You shouldn’t have to. You’re the one who should feel bad if your boyfriend doesn’t want to do whatever it takes to get you off.

Diane, 32

What’s the best reason to date a French person?
I think the French don’t have hang-ups about “dating” the way Americans do. Things are more fluid and less ritualized. There’s no, “on date number one, you should talk about this; on date number two, you can kiss; if you make it to date five, you can start talking about marriage,” etc.

Why do they call it a “French Kiss”?
I honestly don’t know. But let me know if you find out. They don’t call it French kissing in France.

If someone says “I love you” in a different language, does it have the same weight as “I love you” in English?
If an American Francophone told me “Je t’aime” very seriously and looked deep into my eyes, I might accept it as true. But in general, I think those words need to be spoken in the language that one is most comfortable with in order to be taken seriously.

I just found out that the girl I’ve been dating for the past six months is a stripper. She said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to upset me. It does! Am I an asshole if I break up with her?
No. I mean, who wants to date a stripper? Oh right, everyone. That’s big news; if she lied about that, then what else is she holding back? Big news needs to be disclosed close to the beginning of a relationship.

The guy I’m crushing on is bi, and totally upfront about it. Is it crazy that that bothers me?
If he claims to be bi, then he’s probably gay, and therefore it’s not crazy that it bothers you.

After dating this girl for over a year, I finally met her parents. Her mother is a raging alcoholic and about a hundred pounds overweight. They say girls grow up to be their mothers. Should I be worried?
Run for the hills. Seriously. Unless the girl takes after her father, which is always a possibility.

My boyfriend bought me a Hitachi vibrator to spice up our lovemaking, and it gives me the most intense orgasms of my life. But now I can’t come when I have sex with him. How can I keep the amazing orgasms without making him feel inadequate?
Fake it ’til you make it? He shouldn’t feel bad really, especially if in the grand scheme of things, everyone ends happy. Just tell him that it’s very enjoyable foreplay, and exaggerate the sounds a little.

I think beards are sexy. But every time I kiss a lumberjack guy, it irritates the skin on my face. Is there a way to avoid this?
I don’t know of a miracle cream for this problem. Have “no facial hair month” every six months? The downside is that you might be less attracted to him; the upside is that your face will remain intact. Decisions, decisions. Love is a trade-off.

Originally published July 16, 2010 on Nerve.com

I can feel it a slight, yet apparent shift. Has my “mommy gene” really begun to rear its denounced little head?

A few months ago, I dreamed that my cousin Julie’s baby was in danger. He was in the middle of a busy intersection. Intrinsically, I hurled my own body in front of the cars to protect him. When I woke up, I realized that it was the first time I thought of my well being secondary; I realized, “Yes, I would do anything to protect him.”

Mind you, I do not want children anytime soon. But it was the first time I thought, “Maybe someday.”

Unlike most parents-to-be, I have no illusions that kids will make me happier: they’re loud and smelly and expensive and greedy little creatures. And a wide variety of academic research shows that, for these reasons, parents are often unhappier than their childless peers.

For example, a Nobel Prize-winning behavioral economist, Daniel Kahneman, surveyed 909 working Texas women in 2004. His research found that child care ranked 16th in pleasurability out of 19 activities. (Among the endeavors they preferred: preparing food, watching TV, exercising, napping, shopping, and housework.)

This month’s issue of New York magazine quoted the economist Andrew Oswald who’s compared tens of thousands of Britons with children to those without. In most of his studies, he found that that, “mothers are less happy than fathers, and that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns.”

Then why might the idea of having a child (let alone children) still sound appealing? Perhaps it’s because women were born to breed yadda yadda yadda … But I just don’t think so.

A trio of sociologists named Suzanne M. Bianchi, John P. Robinson, and Melissa A. Milkie complied data about family statistics in correlation with time management in Changing Rhythms of American Family Life. They found that compared to 1975, all parents spend more time today with their children today.

When considering the rush of women into the workforce, it’s no wonder why today’s married mothers have so much less leisure time (5.4 fewer hours per week; 71 percent say they crave more time for themselves, as do 57 percent of married fathers).

With no alone-/down-time for themselves, it’s even more difficult to be with your significant other. Psychologists W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge did an analysis of 97 children-and-marital-satisfaction studies stretching back to the seventies. When they published their findings in 2003, not only did they find that couples’ overall marital satisfaction went down when they had kids, they found that every successive generation was more put out by having them than the last.

This is especially so for the current generation.

“They become parents later in life,” Campbell said. “There’s a loss of freedom, a loss of autonomy. It’s totally different from going from your parents’ house to immediately having a baby. Now you know what you’re giving up.”

Here are the brutal realities about children:

• They’re loud, smelly, expensive and greedy.

• They deprive parents of much-needed leisure/alone time.

• They drive a huge steak through the once rapid hearts of lovers.

• They make you less happy.

So if having children expose the ocean between our fantasies and realities of the white picket fence, why do people – why might I someday – want children?

“You gave me a reason to live so many times,” my mom said to me recently.

Maybe children give us a purpose in life. And maybe that purpose is happiness.

Originally published Sunday, July 18, 2010

Hey yah bloody Yanks! You tired of titting about, looking like a right arsehole when cursing your mind. Well stop pissing into the wind and sod this print from Modern Toss. It may read like Chaucer, but it provides a handy guide to cursing like a Brit.

This slanguage is great and all (#94 – “Acting Like A Cock Snake On Plant Food” – is especially great) but I’m confused why they picked the periodic table format. One would logically assume that if you were going to use a chemistry analogy for obscenities, that “Prat” would be an element, whereas “Shitting Prat” would be a compound. But still, it’s not a complete international cunt circus. They get an A for entertainment.

Tara, 26

What’s the best reason to date someone who lives with his or her parents?
If they like you, there are dinners, free food, and likely a better entertainment system. Some parents don’t even mind if their kid shacks up on the premises, but if they’re more traditional, hey, it just makes the sex spicier. And you can hit up your rent-free significant other to pick up the tab more often.

I just started dating someone who lives with her parents, but I’d like to put off meeting them for a few weeks. Any tips for how to sneak into the house without getting caught by Mom and Dad?
Don’t do it! If it’s just a mutually understood, casual thing, then maybe getting caught could be fun, in a primetime teen drama kind of way, so long as you don’t mind getting chased out of the house with a gun or pitchfork. However, if you are really into the girl, and her parents catch you, they’ll immediately mistrust and dislike you. Which is a total relationship cockblock.

I met this really great guy but he lives with his parents. It’s kind of a turn-off. What should I do?
I think you should ask yourself why it’s a turn-off. I can understand alarms going off if he’s in his mid-thirties and his mom still packs his lunch complete with Disney-themed fruit snacks. However, maybe he’s trying to get through school and doesn’t want to accumulate tens of thousands of dollars in student loans. If it’s a turn-off because it represents other issues you have with him, look at those.

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and my parents asked us both over for dinner. One thing: he’s old enough to be my father. Should I warn my parents beforehand?
I would once again point out the unpleasantness of him being chased out with guns or pitchforks, or maybe even a morning-star. Of course you have to warn them! Perhaps embellish how the two of you came to fall so deeply in love against all odds, as a means of dispelling the creepy factor. However, if the relationship isn’t stable, or if he’s married, or you’re underage, I wouldn’t even go there quite yet.

What’s the best way to tell someone you’re dating that you live with your parents?
Whenever it comes up. There’s no need to announce it in the first five minutes of meeting someone, but it shouldn’t be too much of an issue. If it is, it’s not like you’re going to be magically transported into another living situation, so it’s going to come up anyway.

My boyfriend loves giving oral sex, but it makes me really self-conscious. Are there ways to chill out or should I just forget about it all together?
There’s always getting drunk. But seriously, I used to have hang-ups about that too. One trick I used to use was closing my eyes and picturing myself and my partner as some sexy celebrities, or even fictional characters who turn me on, so I could sort of displace myself for a few minutes, and then once it started feeling really good, the self-consciousness wore off and I could re-engage. But getting drunk is easier.

The girl I’m seeing is bisexual. She said she could be monogamous with a man, but could never give up women. I really like this girl, and I know it should be a man’s dream come true, but don’t think I could handle her seeing other women. How can I convince her that cheating is cheating, regardless of gender?
I’d suggest you ask how she’d feel if you were with a man, but then you might have a devil’s threesome on your hands. And in your mouth. Most guys I know fantasize about lesbian action, even if it involves their girlfriend. If you’ve made it clear that you don’t want that, then monogamy is monogamy, so don’t be a pussy and put your foot down! No pun intended. (Actually, pun completely intended.)

Peter, 30

What’s the best reason to date someone who lives with his or her parents?
At least you know that this person is capable of living with someone for years and remaining on speaking terms with them. If they’re capable of loving their family, they’re capable of loving your stupid head, too.

What has living with your parents taught you about dating?
That dating is difficult when you’re living with your parents. It’s not easy to find someone who thinks it’s fine. They are the real keepers, though. And did you see that article in the New York Times this week? We’re kids until we’re thirty-five or something now. My dad will be gone this weekend. Can you say kegger? Did I just say kegger? Yeah, maybe not.

I met this really great guy but he lives with his parents. It’s kind of a turn-off. What should I do?
You should invite him over your place more, perhaps. But you should still try to get to know him. Because if you’re looking for someone to be with for the rest of your life, and you think he has potential, you’d be cheating yourself if you dismissed him for that reason. Or you can go eff yourself. Did I take that one personally or what?

I’ve been dating this guy for two months. We see each other about three days per week. Yesterday, he told me he loved me. I like him a lot, but I’m not ready to say it back. What’s the best way to avoid saying it without seeming like I don’t care?
Say thank you and then say something nice to him. Something that is close to the L word that will convey that you have feelings as well. For instance, “I can’t imagine not spending time with you the way we do. You mean a lot to me.” Then touch him inappropriately. I am kidding about that last part (only a little bit).

My boyfriend loves giving oral sex, but it makes me really self-conscious. Are there ways to chill out or should I just forget about it all together?
Why are you self-conscious? Do you have some kind of issue downstairs? If you’re worried, you should see a doctor. If he goes downtown regularly with a smile though, I would say everything is all right. Try smoking a bowl before sex, maybe?

The girl I’m seeing is bisexual. She said she could be monogamous with a man, but could never give up women. I really like her, and this should be a man’s dream-come-true, but don’t think I could handle her seeing other women. How can I convince her that cheating is cheating, regardless of gender?
This sounds like it could be a deal-or-no-deal type situation. Everyone has to compromise somewhat for the person they love, because our lovers weren’t tailor-made for us. So be upfront, and honest about how you feel about it. Then discuss and see what you two can come up with. And really dude, threesomes are a lot of fun. Like a lot.

Zak, 23

What’s the best reason to date someone who lives with his or her parents?
Free food, comfortable homey feel, and possibly free drinks.

What has living with your parents taught you about dating?
No one is as sneaky as they think they are. You will get caught, at least once.

I just started dating someone who lives with her parents. I’d like to put off meeting them for a few weeks. Any tips for how to sneak into the house without getting caught by Mom and Dad?
Wait until they are asleep. Sound asleep. Going over around their bedtime never works, because they’re still perceptive to outside sounds. Also, plan visits around your parents’ trips out of town.

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and my parents asked us both over for dinner. One thing: he’s old enough to be my father. Should I warn my parents beforehand?
I’d say yes. Although it shouldn’t matter, it will. Break it to them gently, so they know the situation. Surprises like that never work out the way you think they will.

This girl I’m seeing is super-loud in bed. I love it, but the neighbors don’t. They’ve called twice now to complain. How can I quiet things down, without dimming her awesome enthusiasm?
Soundproof your room. You can buy many different sorts of foam padding. Or you can just ignore your neighbors.

What’s the best way to tell someone you’re dating that you live with your parents?
There probably isn’t a right moment, but the way the economy is today, it might not be as weird for them as you think it will be. Living with parents seems lame, but hopefully it’s only temporary.

My girlfriend tells me that online porn is cheating, so I pretended to stop looking. The truth, though, is that all guys everywhere look at porn. I hate having to lie, but I don’t want to stop. How can I make her stop taking it so seriously?
Not really sure what the answer is to this one. You could stop, or keep going, or ditch her because really, who doesn’t like porn?

Originally published July 9, 2010 on Nerve.com

It’s 7 a.m. and I’m awake and feverish. So I splash cold water on my face and head to my internship early. Bodies are touching bodies in all sorts of ways at this hour. There’s a man stepping on the tip of my flip flop, a woman poking my back with a book she’s skimming.

I have not yet thought of my bare arm paralleling my torso; I’ve not yet thought of hers either. The R train has arrived at Lexington Ave. and a wave of rush hour throws us into the corner. There are too many sweaty palms clutching to the metal poles. So we lean against the “Do Not Lean On Doors” door. She looks like me: twenty-something skin glistening heat, caught in a role she never thought she’d play.

The subway zigs “go” and her diamond ring scratches my knuckle.

Neither of us looks at the other; neither pulls away. We stay like so: pinkie touching pinkie.

And I’m reminded of a childhood summer when my mother and father took me to cherry tree vineyards. The three of us spent hours in branches, my lips sticky from sweet cherries.

She smells like that moment feels.

Prince Street – my stop. We don’t stop leaning when the doors behind us open. But the wave is thrown against me and I’m caught in the undertow.

I consider looking back at her. But then I think, people ruin every romance by trying to make it last forever.

So she blends into my peripheral with the other blurred bodies who are like grains of sand.